I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What a dumb baby whore.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
