I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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