I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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