3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
