Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
