Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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