im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
