she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
