even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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