you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
