I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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