Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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