Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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