He disabled his match.com account in front of me
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you are never too drunk for berry picking
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
