ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I hate all girls vehemently.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
