i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
