For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
