My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
