Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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