last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I could fuck to npr.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
