Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
