he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
