Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
