I have demons in me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I am one with the molecules
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
