I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Randomize
