It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize