ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
