I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
