Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
