omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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