someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
