you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
