Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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