I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
