Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize