Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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