Who wears a wallet chain?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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