It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize