I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
