highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize