I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
