I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Randomize
