Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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