Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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