The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
