I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
