And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
