I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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