if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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