Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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