I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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