What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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