I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
