i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
